Happy to be home....

 November 12, 2013
I'm the happiest I've ever been and the saddest I've ever been.

I finally feel home, and that I've found my community.  I love Denver, and love the people I've chosen to surround myself with here.  Truly chosen family.
I'm also the saddest I've ever been. The dust has settled and the loss of Andrew is more real and more sad than ever before. All the distractions I've created in the past year are gone and now it's time to sit with it and process the loss.

Sunday night kicked off the week with the garbage disposal falling through the sink. Yes it just completely feel off.  I have no idea how this happened but it did, and it triggered something very deep.  I sat on the kitchen floor cleaning up the water and trying to figure out how to reconnect it.  I just felt so alone and began sobbing uncontrollably. I was helpless, it was too heavy to lift and reconnect, but I understood how it should be connected. But I was unable to physically do it. I needed someone to help.  And of course it was about 8pm so I certainly wasn't calling a plumber at that time of night.  It just made me realize how alone I truly am in the world. Yes I have wonderful friends and family and course my two kids, but at the end of the day I go to bed alone. I deal with the garbage disposal alone. My head has known this since the day he died, but I think my heart finally realized this was a reality.   I miss him so much.

While all of this was happening, Isla woke up while I was sobbing. I've tried to limit my crying in front of her but my therapist believes it  healthy for her to see me in this state. I still try and limit the time she sees me. But she was so sweet, put her arm around me and told me that should would make me feel better. And of course she did. She is such a sweet soul.

We talk of Andrew often.

Graeme has been dealing with multiple ear infections.  It's been pretty brutal and we are seeing the doctor to discuss the possibility of tubes. It's been a rough two months. But other than the ear infections every 10 days or so, he's growing so quickly.  He's talking up a storm and climbing on everything.

We close on the new house in Stapelton on the 23rd of December. I'm looking forward to space again, and a garage. On street parking can be difficult.  I will miss this house, it's where it all started and I've enjoyed being here. And I will miss the neighborhood, Isla's preschool is down the street and we have lots within walking distance. Especially the Liks, the ice cream parlor.





October 13, 2015
I haven't' stopped crying today. This is what happens every few days or weeks.  Something trigger the sadness and then it sits with me all day long. This particular "episode" was triggered by Andrew's old hockey team the Battle Hamsters. As most of you know Andrew played hockey all of his life. It was something that attracted me to him from the start. (I guess I have a thing for hockey players) I was impressed that at 40 he was still doing something that he loved and was dedicated to keeping in shape.
The team he played on in Vermont was an interesting team since one of the guys, Joe had played with him in South Carolina a few years earlier. (Kinda a cool coincidence) And the players were so young too! I think he played with some 19 year olds. (This did not make me happy since he often came home with an injury) Andrew was a fast skater and the "no contact" league was often contact if you were a good player. And we all know he was an amazing skater. Okay but let me get to the point and tell you why I am crying. Joe sent a stack of letters from the team and a hockey jersey for the kids. They designed the jersey with Andrew in mind and placed his initials on the upper left hand shoulder. I am truly touched at the impact Andrew had on his team and thank you Joe for sending the jersey and letters.

October 12, 2015-- Graeme turns 17 months today. I don't know where the time has gone, to be honest it's mostly a blur. A friend just recently had a baby and was asking questions about the birth and first few months.  It was sad to say, but I couldn't remember any of it. I only remember wrapping him up in the Moby and carrying him around Dana Farber. Those are my memories of Graeme's first few months.  As I type this my eyes well up and and it saddens me to say this.

We are coming up on Andrew's year anniversary. Again I can't believe it's been a year since he past, it's all been a blur. I was thinking back to the memorial service and I only remember bits and pieces. I couldn't tell you who was there, or what exactly happened. I think that I was/am in survival mode. I also "distracted" myself by moving to Denver and being on the road for a month. This of course helped to avoid the grieving process. However, I am now grieving more than ever. I miss him more than I ever have and long to just talk to him. Before he passed, he told me to talk to him when I was in the shower. He would know that was the time I could dedicate to us and tell him everything. But its' the feedback, the ideas and the jokes that I miss the most.