Dana Farber.....

March 6th almost a month since I lasted posted.

Winter feels like it's going to be here forever.  It's still snowing and often, but we are now experiencing the problems associated with over a 100 inches of snow.  We've had ice dams all along our gutters and they are reeking havoc on the house.  Water has begun to leak in the house, in the kitchen and bedrooms. The way I understand it is there is a thick layer of ice in the gutters, and when the snow behind it melts it cannot drain off the roof property.  The water pools behind it and penetrates the roof.  Apparently there is only 4 feet of weather proofing on the roof underneath the shingles, which much of the ice dam covers. We've had to hire men to come and shovel off our roof and put stockings filled with ice melt in the dams to create passages for the water.  The shoveling helped, but there is still plenty of damage in the house.  Spring thaw, (if it ever comes) should bring another round of issues.  Still love love my house and realize anywhere I go there will be issues. But, yes, I am questioning why I live in Massachusetts at the moment. :)

The kids are doing great, Isla is settling into preschool well. She has a few friends and she loves them all, her words not mine. She makes arts and crafts for them constantly.  Super cute.  Graeme is beginning to sleep more through out the night. Still not an 8 hour stretch, but it's getting better.  Usually only one wake up in the night now. Baby steps, literally.  He is trying to walk and it's super cute, he's obsessed with being on his two feet.

We also had Andrew's best friends Pam and Scott up for a visit two weekends ago.  It was so so wonderful to have them here.  Not only because they are such lovely people, ( and Pam the expert seamstress made me beautiful curtains) but they allowed me to grieve in a way that was very healing. I felt comfortable crying and talking about my feelings.  I am thankful for that, it's been a difficult road, but knowing you have good friends to cry with helps tremendously.

Yesterday I went to Dana Farber which was horrible.  It was the first time I'd been there since Andrew passed.  I had to pick up some paperwork on the genetics aspect of his cancer. The expierence was tramatic to say the least.
First the drive in to Boston, I knew it like the back of my hand.  I pretended to use GPS but honestly I think I could've done the drive blindfolded. We were there every two weeks and more often towards the end. I think part of me wanted to forget the way.

Then when we arrived, and I was treated like a patient. They tried to bill my insurance, give me the dreaded wrist bands and electronic tracker.  (I've kept one of Andrew's wrist bands, just because I know it has a part of him on it)  This was difficult but mostly angered me.  Dana Farber is such a machine in how they process people, that they couldn't figure out how to deal with me.  I was literally meeting with the genetic department and picking up paper work.  After several times up and down the elevators back and forth to registration, they finally figured it out and I was ready for my appointment. But they did give me the wrist band and tracker...I held it and didn't put it on my wrist.

I then  headed up to the 9th floor but stopped off at the 7th the floor ( this is the GI cancer floor) to see the nurses and staff.  Immediately I saw "our" nurse Heather and just began to cry, we both did. I hugged her so tightly excited to see her but the emotions were so powerful. I saw everyone I wanted to see talked, cried and showed off the kids. It was so incredibly difficult to be there, almost like I was waiting to see Andrew come around the corner.

I also connected with our social worker who is wonderful.  I always laughed  thinking about her because Andrew disliked talking to her from day one.  He would cross his arms the minute she walked in and not share anything with her. I of course would share and talk to her about what was going on. I think she wore him down, because we later had some really good sessions with her. She also called him out on his behavior which broke down some walls.  But she has worked at Dana Farber for 20 some odd years.  So she has pull at the place, and when she saw how they were treating me yesterday she went into action. They tried to take my vitals when I checked in for the genetics appointment. She pointed out the flaws in the system to the important people and made sure she would work on fixing it.

We then met with our genetics counselor gathered paperwork and got some more information.  They suggested I get tested for some of the genes they found in Andrew's DNA.  The idea behind it was if I too carried the genes the kids would need to be tested earlier than later on in life. So they sent me down to the lab to get blood work.  This is where I couldn't hold it together anymore. I had never been back in the lab area, it was for patients only, I usually sat and waited for him. But when they called my name and took me back there, I couldn't stop crying. A flood of emotions washed over me and all I could think about was the pain Andrew went through, all the suffering. The nurse was kind and asked if I needed more time.  Really?  No thanks, take the blood and let me get outta here. But I just felt him so much there, his spirit and his suffering.  My heart is still breaking, I guess it will never truly recover from the loss.

I have to say that yesterday, as difficult as it was, served a purpose.  It allowed me to grieve that much more, acknowledge the pain and sadness I feel everyday.  I'm so busy with the kids, dealing with school, play dates and lack of sleep, sometimes I don't think about the sadness or pain.  And I thank the children for keeping me present and not wallowing in my sorrow.  But yesterday really brought it home for me, made me honor all those feelings.  I really haven't stopped crying since yesterday and hope that one step back means one step forward.

Thanks for reading.
K