Happy to be home....

 November 12, 2013
I'm the happiest I've ever been and the saddest I've ever been.

I finally feel home, and that I've found my community.  I love Denver, and love the people I've chosen to surround myself with here.  Truly chosen family.
I'm also the saddest I've ever been. The dust has settled and the loss of Andrew is more real and more sad than ever before. All the distractions I've created in the past year are gone and now it's time to sit with it and process the loss.

Sunday night kicked off the week with the garbage disposal falling through the sink. Yes it just completely feel off.  I have no idea how this happened but it did, and it triggered something very deep.  I sat on the kitchen floor cleaning up the water and trying to figure out how to reconnect it.  I just felt so alone and began sobbing uncontrollably. I was helpless, it was too heavy to lift and reconnect, but I understood how it should be connected. But I was unable to physically do it. I needed someone to help.  And of course it was about 8pm so I certainly wasn't calling a plumber at that time of night.  It just made me realize how alone I truly am in the world. Yes I have wonderful friends and family and course my two kids, but at the end of the day I go to bed alone. I deal with the garbage disposal alone. My head has known this since the day he died, but I think my heart finally realized this was a reality.   I miss him so much.

While all of this was happening, Isla woke up while I was sobbing. I've tried to limit my crying in front of her but my therapist believes it  healthy for her to see me in this state. I still try and limit the time she sees me. But she was so sweet, put her arm around me and told me that should would make me feel better. And of course she did. She is such a sweet soul.

We talk of Andrew often.

Graeme has been dealing with multiple ear infections.  It's been pretty brutal and we are seeing the doctor to discuss the possibility of tubes. It's been a rough two months. But other than the ear infections every 10 days or so, he's growing so quickly.  He's talking up a storm and climbing on everything.

We close on the new house in Stapelton on the 23rd of December. I'm looking forward to space again, and a garage. On street parking can be difficult.  I will miss this house, it's where it all started and I've enjoyed being here. And I will miss the neighborhood, Isla's preschool is down the street and we have lots within walking distance. Especially the Liks, the ice cream parlor.





October 13, 2015
I haven't' stopped crying today. This is what happens every few days or weeks.  Something trigger the sadness and then it sits with me all day long. This particular "episode" was triggered by Andrew's old hockey team the Battle Hamsters. As most of you know Andrew played hockey all of his life. It was something that attracted me to him from the start. (I guess I have a thing for hockey players) I was impressed that at 40 he was still doing something that he loved and was dedicated to keeping in shape.
The team he played on in Vermont was an interesting team since one of the guys, Joe had played with him in South Carolina a few years earlier. (Kinda a cool coincidence) And the players were so young too! I think he played with some 19 year olds. (This did not make me happy since he often came home with an injury) Andrew was a fast skater and the "no contact" league was often contact if you were a good player. And we all know he was an amazing skater. Okay but let me get to the point and tell you why I am crying. Joe sent a stack of letters from the team and a hockey jersey for the kids. They designed the jersey with Andrew in mind and placed his initials on the upper left hand shoulder. I am truly touched at the impact Andrew had on his team and thank you Joe for sending the jersey and letters.

October 12, 2015-- Graeme turns 17 months today. I don't know where the time has gone, to be honest it's mostly a blur. A friend just recently had a baby and was asking questions about the birth and first few months.  It was sad to say, but I couldn't remember any of it. I only remember wrapping him up in the Moby and carrying him around Dana Farber. Those are my memories of Graeme's first few months.  As I type this my eyes well up and and it saddens me to say this.

We are coming up on Andrew's year anniversary. Again I can't believe it's been a year since he past, it's all been a blur. I was thinking back to the memorial service and I only remember bits and pieces. I couldn't tell you who was there, or what exactly happened. I think that I was/am in survival mode. I also "distracted" myself by moving to Denver and being on the road for a month. This of course helped to avoid the grieving process. However, I am now grieving more than ever. I miss him more than I ever have and long to just talk to him. Before he passed, he told me to talk to him when I was in the shower. He would know that was the time I could dedicate to us and tell him everything. But its' the feedback, the ideas and the jokes that I miss the most.

From Mass to Myrtle

Myrtle Beach SC.

It's the night before our flights to Denver.  I changed them from the 1st of Sept to tomorrow the 30th. There is an impending Hurricane coming up the coast, supposed to hit South Carolina Tuesday (the day we were scheduled to leave). And the thought of not getting to Denver on time, made my stomach sink.  I didn't want to take any chances, since the moving truck is scheduled to arrive between the 2nd and the 8th.  And if we were stuck in South Carolina then it would for sure arrive on the 2nd. Murphy's Law.

We spent the last month driving down the east coast.  After the house was packed on the 29th of July we drove to New Jersey and stayed with the Geraghty's for a week.  Leslie helped with the kids while I dealt with the movers.  She also talked to me no stop (not that conversations are difficult between old friends) the whole 4.5 hours from Walpole to Howell. The kids slept in the back and we didn't stop.  The easiest drive yet, although Graeme wasn't happy when we arrived.  I think he was confused. He kept me awake the whole night. :( But he quickly settled in to the transient life of moving from hotel to friends houses to lodges to my parents house.

After New Jersey we headed to DC and stayed with Andrew's close friends Jay and Dewi. They have kiddos around the same age as Isla so she had a ball with them.  Next was Tennessee,  Pigeon Forge with another group of Andrew's friends.  They planned a reunion which was great.  The house was amazing and was full of love. It was huge, there were 40 of us all staying under one roof.  It was fun to connect and reconnect to some his friends who have now become mine.  But if you had to ask Isla the highlight of the trip was sleeping with the other girls on bunk beds and Dollywood. It was our first trip to an amusement park. Isla rode all the rides she could and even did a water ride where so got soaked. She had a blast.  I also saw a bit of a dare devil/adrenaline junky shinning through, a bit of Andrew.  She was not afraid of any ride and rode many of the rides twice. She was full of smiles. It was great to see her so happy.   Poor Graeme was in the stroller all day, but he was trooper.
We were fortunate to have Bruce and Karen with us for the day.  Their little guy is the same age as Isla so it was a perfect fit for the rides. I don't think our day would've been nearly as fun or easy without them.

Then it was off to Myrtle Beach to spend the rest of our month with my parents. We never made it to the beach, Graeme is still eating the sand. Instead we lived at my Aunts pool and hung around the house.  The weather wasn't great, lots of thunderstorms. We did some touristy things like the Aquarium and Medieval Times.

So now we are embarking on our journey back to Denver to start our lives. I am nervous, excited and scared as hell. I'm also flying alone with the kids for the first time. This will be challenging but Wulfy will be meeting us at the airport to help with the luggage and logistics. We will be in a hotel until our stuff comes, hopefully on the 2nd.  Isla starts preschool on Monday, and the tedious task of getting our life in order begins.

Stinky Feet

It's 1pm, and normally I would never dream of blogging in the middle of the afternoon. Between the bills and to-do list thats a mile long, there is never enough time in the day.  But I've hired a babysitter for the day and found that I was very productive today and had a free moment.

Things are starting to come together, and falling into place. Sat down this morning to tackle my to-do list and got 90% finished.  Some things are time sensitive, so while I'd love to check them off, I have to wait.  It's amazing just how much needs to get finished before the closing on the house.  I am thankful my closing wont be until January.  Not sure I could handle both closing on the Walpole house and the Denver house at the same time.

The tenants have agreed to leave the house in City Park early, well August 31.  While it's not the perfect situation, it's doable. Leslie is coming up to help with the move on the 26th, couldn't be more thankful for her help.  She's been such an amazing friend through all of this, I am blessed to have her in my life. She will help with the kiddos while the movers pack and load our things. She will  then drive with us to NJ.  We will stay there for a week or so before the drive to Tenn. Then after Tenn off to my parents in South Carolina until the 1st of Sept. My mom will fly with us to Denver and stay until the truck arrives. It will be nice to have my mom with us for two weeks.  But ugh moving sucks. I hope after January we don't move for a long long time.

One of the main reasons why I am blogging today, is I smelled Andrew's feet. I know of all smells, I walked up stairs and thought really, your feet?!!! It was overwhelming and very powerful, but I knew immediately what it was and started to laugh.  It was always a topic of conversation in our family, his feet stunk. His feet and hands after a hockey game.  Those gloves are so nasty. It's funny how I used to complain about his feet and his hockey gloves.  When he would come home from a game, I would make his soak his hands before he was allowed to come close. But his stinky feet and smelly hockey hands are what I want now. The things that made him  the man I so deeply loved.

His hockey bag is the garage, I still haven't opened it and am afraid what I will find a fungus or bacteria unknown to man. So I will move it and put it in storage until we get to the new house in January.  There is comfort though having his stuff still around.

Sold...

 It's late, 915pm and I'm exhausted. I don't think this will be a lengthy post, but rather informative. ;) 

The house has sold, it's official.  The buyers were approved for their mortgage and the closing is on the 31st of July. I will be sad to leave the house, I love it.  It's spacious, homey and the first house Andrew and I bought together. But it's in Massachusetts, a place I've never considered home. We will be homeless for awhile. Not sure when we can get into our place in City Park, and we have a trip planned to Tennessee the second week of August. No point in flying to Denver only to return and fly back for a week.  I will drive down the east coast and invade friends houses and then make it my parents in South Carolina. Still don't know what I am doing with Lucky the Cat.  He's not so keen on road trips. 

Our townhouse in City Park is still rented and I have asked the renters to vacate the place before their lease is up, at the end of September. Hopefully, I will hear tomorrow if we can get into the place in August. Fingers crossed. Otherwise we will be in South Carolina for a long time. :) 

I bought a new build in Stapelton that will be ready in January.  In hind sight I probably should've bought something that was turn key ready for August but this will be an adventure.  Plus I never thought I would be able to buy a new build. Super exciting. 

Amarilis, our au pair left us in June to live with her new husband.  We miss her, but know she is happy with her new life. I did find another Au Pair I was really excited about, until she arrived.  She's a sweet girl who just doesn't know how to mind children properly. After two weeks, we are giving her back and flying solo for awhile. I want to wait for another Au pair until we are in the new house. I think the townhouse will be too cramped and I honestly really just want to be with the kids.  Also with lots of support in Denver, I will get breaks here and there. 

Now on to the kids. 

Isla just finished her latest camp called Broadway Babes.  She preformed a play for the parents, it was super cute. I think she is a natural performer.  This week is a quiet week until next week when she starts swimming lessons for two weeks. She's super helpful (most of the time) with Graeme and being a big sister.  I've signed her up for preschool this fall, she will do to the cooperative school in Denver. Unfortunately it's only half a day, so we will have to find activities for her the rest of the day. 

Graeme is getting so big.  He walking, well running, and talking.  His first word was Isla then Ball or Boom Boom and now he says Hi,  and Thank you.  I love watching him grow and can't wait for him to really start talking. 

I took the kids to the beach on Sunday.  Really it was friends who asked me to join them, or I would've never gone alone. Too much stuff to bring, and the beach scares me with kids. (Yes, I grew up on the beach, which gives me a greater appreciation and fear.) Isla enjoyed her time, my friends parents were so amazing and kind to her. They took her back and forth to the water, and even offered to carry her in. 

Graeme loved it too, but ate so much sand.  And after 3 hours I was exhausted, so we left. But I am happy we went, these little outings make me feel normal again. 

I miss him more and more each day.  People say it doesn't get easier, you just learn to manage the sadness. I don't think I'm there yet, I still cry often.  On the way home from the beach, I was overwhelmed with sadness. Andrew didn't like the sun, or the beach all that much. So I know he would've fought me on going, but I still missed his presence.  His humor, I think about what he would've said or what joke he would crack about Graeme's speech or Isla's sassy attitude. 

Thanks for excusing the typos and grammar. 

Karla

I'm listening to Isla sing in the shower.  She is always singing something and it makes my heart melt.

Today was a difficult day, I hate to be a debbie downer, but it was unexpected.

I woke up happy with a smile on my face and two kids in my bed, which is usual these days. We had to get out of the house by 10am for a private showing so I took the kids to breakfast.  We headed to the local IHOP and on the way I heard our wedding song on the radio. "When the Stars go Blue," by U2 and the Coors. However this was on a country station and it was sung by Tim McGraw. My heart sank and hurt at the same time. I never hear this song on the radio, it's obsure. But since my decision to move to Denver I've heard it more frequently. (I hope this is a sign from Andrew telling me I'm doing the right thing) When I hear the song, it just makes me think about all that he's missing and how much I miss him.  I miss his companionship his sense of humor and his love. I still at times don't even think it's real, like it's still a bad dream.

I aslo heard the song while house hunting in Denver.  My mom and I got in the car and I was on. I lost it, this was the first time I'd heard it randomly since he had passed. I remember the day we decided on that song like it was yesterday.  When we first started dating, I would take Andrew's Ipod and listen to the song over and over and over again.  He was such a good sport, only mildly teasing me about it.  But when we had to pick out our first dance song for the wedding it was initially a struggle.  We sat and talked and talked about this song and that song blah blah, and then his face lit up.  He took his ipod and he played "When the Stars go Blue," I cried and he laughed.  We both knew that was "our" first dance song.


There is some interest in the house, no offers yet. We have another showing scheduled for tomorrow, I do hope someone makes me an offer soon.  It's so difficult to keep the house spotless and empty. I don't even have my toaster oven on the counter.

I am conflicted about the move, on one hand my heart is in Denver.  I love it there, and really want to be near chosen family.  On the other hand, I hate to leave this house and the schools.  Massachusetts has the best schools in the nation, and leaving that worries me. Also the whole idea of moving is daunting, even thought I feel I'm an expert on the subject.  However, I know that I will be very happy anywhere I decided to live. Fingers cross, I get a bidding war on my house and all will be well.

The weather is supposed to be warmer this week, and Isla has a week off from school. I'm planning on taking the kids to the beach.  It should be a fun time, exhausting I'm sure.

It has been forever since my last blog post.  I'm not sure I will be able to sum it all up before my hands cramp. :)

So much has transpired since March 6th, we've been to Denver twice and Las Vegas once.  Our Au Pair has decided to leave us, and we have listed the house in Walpole. Well isn't that funny, I just summed up our past two months in two sentences. Okay I will elaborate.


On March 25th, we left Boston (both kids mildly sick) and flew to Denver for two weeks.  We split the vacation and flew to Las Vegas to met up with a college roommate and her family.  The actual flight from Boston to Denver was great. Isla is a seasoned flyer and Graeme is earning his wings. No issues to report. However the night before we left I had an emotional breakdown. I was sitting on the bed crying, panicking about the flights and feeling lost without Andrew. At that moment Jenny called.  Normally I wouldn't have picked up the phone, but something told me to answer.  I was so glad I did.  She listened to me cry, and put a plan into action. Instead of renting a car, she would come and pick us up at the Airport. To quote Pam, "Jenny is an angel on earth," I feel so blessed to have her as a friend.

Okay so the flight was fine, the pick up was great, and the kids were still sick. And they were getting worse. We were in Denver for 4 days before leaving for Vegas and the day before we left, I took the kids to the Urgent Care.  Doctor said they were nasty colds, but nothing that wouldn't heal on its own.

Lets fast forward a week and two emergency room visits later, both kiddos had double ear infections. Nightmare.

Vegas was filled with sleepless nights, crying kids and lots of sunshine.  The weather was amazing and I did actually get some color. The company was great, nothing like old friends, who know you better than yourself. :)

That sums up the Vegas/Denver trip.

But something happened on that trip, I felt the urge to move back to Denver. As soon as I landed, I felt like I was home. I felt Andrew's presence more than I do here in Mass and it just felt right. I've spent most of my adult life on Pacific or Mountain time and it just feels like where I need to be.  (Andrew and I had talked about moving back to Denver once he stopped traveling and the kids started grade school.)

This leads us to the house that we just bought in July here in Walpole to be listed on the MLS May 7th.  I called our realtor from Denver and explained that I wanted to be near friends.  My support network is out there and I just felt like I was in warm happy place. This wasn't and isn't an easy decision. Boston is a great place to raise kids, and a great place to live. It would be a whole lot easier if I was living in a small po dunk town with bad schools and a high crime rate.  However, if the house doesn't sell then we wont be moving anywhere.

This choice started a domino effect. Amarilis who has been our au pair for the past year and signed on for another year, decided she didn't want to move to Denver. This was after she agreed to move with us, but what  I did not know, but she was dating a man for the past 5 months. They met on the common in Boston, and fell in love.  He proposed and now she is getting married. We will miss her dearly, she really helped me get through one of the toughest times in my life.

Lets just keep adding things to my plate. Bring it on!

I've interviewed Au Pairs for the past week and no one has really impressed me until tonight!!
Yes we have matched with a new Au Pair from Mexico.  She is adorable and I got that "feeling" that she would be a perfect fit. Fingers crossed!

Okay I'm off to bed just wanted to update everyone.

Dana Farber.....

March 6th almost a month since I lasted posted.

Winter feels like it's going to be here forever.  It's still snowing and often, but we are now experiencing the problems associated with over a 100 inches of snow.  We've had ice dams all along our gutters and they are reeking havoc on the house.  Water has begun to leak in the house, in the kitchen and bedrooms. The way I understand it is there is a thick layer of ice in the gutters, and when the snow behind it melts it cannot drain off the roof property.  The water pools behind it and penetrates the roof.  Apparently there is only 4 feet of weather proofing on the roof underneath the shingles, which much of the ice dam covers. We've had to hire men to come and shovel off our roof and put stockings filled with ice melt in the dams to create passages for the water.  The shoveling helped, but there is still plenty of damage in the house.  Spring thaw, (if it ever comes) should bring another round of issues.  Still love love my house and realize anywhere I go there will be issues. But, yes, I am questioning why I live in Massachusetts at the moment. :)

The kids are doing great, Isla is settling into preschool well. She has a few friends and she loves them all, her words not mine. She makes arts and crafts for them constantly.  Super cute.  Graeme is beginning to sleep more through out the night. Still not an 8 hour stretch, but it's getting better.  Usually only one wake up in the night now. Baby steps, literally.  He is trying to walk and it's super cute, he's obsessed with being on his two feet.

We also had Andrew's best friends Pam and Scott up for a visit two weekends ago.  It was so so wonderful to have them here.  Not only because they are such lovely people, ( and Pam the expert seamstress made me beautiful curtains) but they allowed me to grieve in a way that was very healing. I felt comfortable crying and talking about my feelings.  I am thankful for that, it's been a difficult road, but knowing you have good friends to cry with helps tremendously.

Yesterday I went to Dana Farber which was horrible.  It was the first time I'd been there since Andrew passed.  I had to pick up some paperwork on the genetics aspect of his cancer. The expierence was tramatic to say the least.
First the drive in to Boston, I knew it like the back of my hand.  I pretended to use GPS but honestly I think I could've done the drive blindfolded. We were there every two weeks and more often towards the end. I think part of me wanted to forget the way.

Then when we arrived, and I was treated like a patient. They tried to bill my insurance, give me the dreaded wrist bands and electronic tracker.  (I've kept one of Andrew's wrist bands, just because I know it has a part of him on it)  This was difficult but mostly angered me.  Dana Farber is such a machine in how they process people, that they couldn't figure out how to deal with me.  I was literally meeting with the genetic department and picking up paper work.  After several times up and down the elevators back and forth to registration, they finally figured it out and I was ready for my appointment. But they did give me the wrist band and tracker...I held it and didn't put it on my wrist.

I then  headed up to the 9th floor but stopped off at the 7th the floor ( this is the GI cancer floor) to see the nurses and staff.  Immediately I saw "our" nurse Heather and just began to cry, we both did. I hugged her so tightly excited to see her but the emotions were so powerful. I saw everyone I wanted to see talked, cried and showed off the kids. It was so incredibly difficult to be there, almost like I was waiting to see Andrew come around the corner.

I also connected with our social worker who is wonderful.  I always laughed  thinking about her because Andrew disliked talking to her from day one.  He would cross his arms the minute she walked in and not share anything with her. I of course would share and talk to her about what was going on. I think she wore him down, because we later had some really good sessions with her. She also called him out on his behavior which broke down some walls.  But she has worked at Dana Farber for 20 some odd years.  So she has pull at the place, and when she saw how they were treating me yesterday she went into action. They tried to take my vitals when I checked in for the genetics appointment. She pointed out the flaws in the system to the important people and made sure she would work on fixing it.

We then met with our genetics counselor gathered paperwork and got some more information.  They suggested I get tested for some of the genes they found in Andrew's DNA.  The idea behind it was if I too carried the genes the kids would need to be tested earlier than later on in life. So they sent me down to the lab to get blood work.  This is where I couldn't hold it together anymore. I had never been back in the lab area, it was for patients only, I usually sat and waited for him. But when they called my name and took me back there, I couldn't stop crying. A flood of emotions washed over me and all I could think about was the pain Andrew went through, all the suffering. The nurse was kind and asked if I needed more time.  Really?  No thanks, take the blood and let me get outta here. But I just felt him so much there, his spirit and his suffering.  My heart is still breaking, I guess it will never truly recover from the loss.

I have to say that yesterday, as difficult as it was, served a purpose.  It allowed me to grieve that much more, acknowledge the pain and sadness I feel everyday.  I'm so busy with the kids, dealing with school, play dates and lack of sleep, sometimes I don't think about the sadness or pain.  And I thank the children for keeping me present and not wallowing in my sorrow.  But yesterday really brought it home for me, made me honor all those feelings.  I really haven't stopped crying since yesterday and hope that one step back means one step forward.

Thanks for reading.
K