Happy Boxing Day

I thought I would give you all an update on the children.  I've mostly write about my experiences and my perspective without really mentioning the kids. So here is a quick update on the kids.

Isla had a Frozen christmas, everything was Frozen, from crayons to sheets.  She also got a Word girl costume that she is obsessed with and wouldn't take it off yesterday. But there was on thing Santa forgot and that was binoculars.  She wanted ones just like Daddy's.  We use them to watch for birds in the backyard. We also took them to Hawaii when we were out there two years.  She had been asking for them for awhile and honestly I don't know why I didn't buy them.  But the nice thing about a January birthday is I can right the wrongs on Christmas. I've already been on Amazon to find a pair of kid friendly binoculars.

She's handling this all very well, she speaks of Andrew often.  All happy memories, I hope they never fade.

I was just interrupted by Isla because she is scared to be alone at the moment. This happened last night too. Grandad just came upstairs and I convinced him to read another story.

Graeme is wonderful, he's sitting up on his own.  This is a recent development, just last week he was unable to steady himself. I think he's quite proud of himself.  He's also cut two bottom teeth. Ouch.  He getting bigger and is starting to show movements that would suggest crawling. (Isla never bothered to crawl, she just got up and walked.) We will see if he follows in her foot steps or not.
He's still not sleeping more than 4 hours a night. It's pretty painful, but once the house is quiet and he is in his own room we will try to start sleep training. Fingers crossed.

Graeme absolutely adores Isla. He lights up the moment she walks in the room. She too loves to love on him so much that she shares her germs with him too.  (She was the Typhoid Mary) I guess with the second child this is unavoidable.

Yesterday was extremely difficult.  The day seemed to drag on and had no real holiday feel.  I miss him more and more everyday.

I picked the short straw.

I don't know what to write, I fear that I may be depressing.  After all it is the holidays and I should be joyful. But  for me (and so many others) they will never be the same again. I read a quote today on grieving and  it said, "Holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays will be hard forever. They are forever tarnished in my mind and heart, but I put on a facade for the kids. I want to provide that idyllic idea of Christmas.  Where everything is warm and fuzzy and shield them from the sorrow.  My mother hated the holidays, I never understood why, I just thought she was a grinch.  But now I understand, why they are so difficult for so many people who have lost a loved one.

One year ago to the day, Andrew and I were in the Emergency room at Winchester hospital.  He was brought in the ER for severe stomach pains and waited in the hallway to be seen by a nurse.  They did a CT scan to see if it was an appendicitis.  We waiting for hours in the hallway for the results.  I remember being so annoyed and frustrated that they would not give us a room even after I begged for hours. Andrew was in so much pain it was difficult to watch, and  I was pregnant and paranoid about getting sick from the other patients. It was the height of cold season and I am a bit of a germaphob.
After waiting for forever they had the results, and finally wheeled us into a room.  I was thankful, I thought they finally listened or cared about the pregnant lady and the sick man. But little did I know it was because they had to deliver the gut wrenching news of Andrews cancer. I can remember that day so vividly, like it happened yesterday.

I know I've said it so many times, but it still doesn't feel real that he's gone.

It's been an awful week.  It started out in the doctor's office getting a cough examined.  Isla had been hacking up a lung the day before and I wanted to make sure it was just a cough. It was a nasty head cold that is still lingering. She is on the mend, but keeps a box of tissues with her. :( And of course Graeme had the same cough, but his is about a day behind Isla's.  So I've had several sleepless nights this week. It's so difficult to function without sleep.

This is when I know he's really gone.  In the middle of the night when I am tending to Graeme and there is no one else to listen to me complain.  Or share in the experience, it's just me.  I can't say that Andrew would've been extremely helpful at 2am but just knowing someone else was there.  Someone who had my back. That's when the pain is real, that when my heart hurts.

So it's been an especially painful week, the kids being sick and the reality of Andrew's death is slowly sinking in.

Thanks for reading.
Karla

Widow at 40.

I never expected to be a widow at 40.  I don't really even know what it means to be a widow.What does a modern widow look like? The only think I can picture is a woman from the 1900's and is always dressed in black. For one I always wear black or a dark color.  People would say it's because I'm from the North East. Or at least that's what people told me when I lived in San Diego.  Okay so the black clothing thing is out. But what else does it mean?  Lack of a wedding ring? I still wear my wedding rings, I still feel married.

This past weekend was so bittersweet. The ceremony was amazing, the speeches were so beautiful. And I was able to see and connect with so many loved ones it was amazing. It was also busy, and distracting.  There were dinners, lunches and visits from friends, no time to think of anything.

The last of the lot left yesterday evening and now the house is really quiet. I've been sitting with the sadness more since Sunday. It washes over me more often, and I find myself wanting to connect with Andrew all the time.

 Isla came into our room this morning and said there was a strong smell. I thought this was odd, but my mother too commented on this smell several mornings. I thought it was bizarre I couldn't smell anything, and I have a hyper sensitive nose.  I want to believe this is Andrew present in the room. It only happens in the morning, so I fantasize that he is sleeping with me at night and leaves in the morning. I am looking for anything that makes me feel closer to him.

 Graeme too was laying on the bed and started to giggle while I was out of the room.  I could hear him and thought it was Isla making him laugh.  But she wasn't in the room, no one was in the room. I'd like to think it was Andrew who was making Graeme laugh.

I have heard that as time goes on I will find myself "feeling" Andrew in unsuspecting ways. But I want to feel it now. I want to know that he is with me and watching the kids grow, or listening to Isla ask where do babies come from?  (yes that was asked this weekend)  I think this is the beginning of my grieving.  I haven't been able to grieve, or even sit with the sadness until now. Even now I have to be careful not to show too much sadness in front of Isla.  She is very concerned, and has her own set of questions. (She asked if we could drive to heaven). So I push it down until I can sit in front of this lap top and begin writing.

I booked the trip to Vegas and Denver.  It will be the first trip without him. I know he would want me to go.

I guess the journey of what it means to be a widow will come more apparent as time continues. I am sure I will revisit this thought over and over.

Thanks for reading, and dealing with grammar mistakes.
K

This picture makes me laugh, Graeme never smiles in pictures!


Andrews death hits me when I am the most quiet.

Almost been a year since my last haircut. I finally pulled the trigger and arranged for my mom to sit with Graeme while I got a new do. It was a new place, a new girl and new conversations. It was early and honestly I didn't want to make small talk.  I liked the quiet. But of course she apologized for not talking more and asked my plans were for the weekend.  My stomach sank, it felt like someone had just punched me in the gut.  I've been so busy this week trying to get an outfit, deal with paperwork and arrange dinner and house stuff to even think about it.  But in the quietness of that question I thought about it and I felt it.

Not sure what to think or to expect from the weekend. I studied Buddhism in college and one teaching from the Buddha is to live without expectations. It's a very difficult to live this way, we all have expectations about everything. I can safely say that this is a first and  I have no clue what to expect from this weekend.

One expectation that shocked me was planning a trip to Vegas. A good friend from college wants to meet sometime this spring to play with the kids and warm up. I told her I would research the flights and get back to her.  When I started to check on flights my stomach sunk and I became anxious. I did not expect that at all. Many of you know me to hop on a plane at any given time to fly anywhere in the world without question. This was a new and  bizarre feeling, I did not like one bit. I haven't ruled out the trip, I would like to see her and of course defrost from the Massachusetts winter. Andrew and I always said we would travel with kids, and I'd like to keep traveling. It just seems really lonely the idea of flying without him.

I look forward to seeing everyone this weekend.  For those of who are traveling, god speed.
Thanks for reading through my bad grammar. :)
Karla