Widow at 40.

I never expected to be a widow at 40.  I don't really even know what it means to be a widow.What does a modern widow look like? The only think I can picture is a woman from the 1900's and is always dressed in black. For one I always wear black or a dark color.  People would say it's because I'm from the North East. Or at least that's what people told me when I lived in San Diego.  Okay so the black clothing thing is out. But what else does it mean?  Lack of a wedding ring? I still wear my wedding rings, I still feel married.

This past weekend was so bittersweet. The ceremony was amazing, the speeches were so beautiful. And I was able to see and connect with so many loved ones it was amazing. It was also busy, and distracting.  There were dinners, lunches and visits from friends, no time to think of anything.

The last of the lot left yesterday evening and now the house is really quiet. I've been sitting with the sadness more since Sunday. It washes over me more often, and I find myself wanting to connect with Andrew all the time.

 Isla came into our room this morning and said there was a strong smell. I thought this was odd, but my mother too commented on this smell several mornings. I thought it was bizarre I couldn't smell anything, and I have a hyper sensitive nose.  I want to believe this is Andrew present in the room. It only happens in the morning, so I fantasize that he is sleeping with me at night and leaves in the morning. I am looking for anything that makes me feel closer to him.

 Graeme too was laying on the bed and started to giggle while I was out of the room.  I could hear him and thought it was Isla making him laugh.  But she wasn't in the room, no one was in the room. I'd like to think it was Andrew who was making Graeme laugh.

I have heard that as time goes on I will find myself "feeling" Andrew in unsuspecting ways. But I want to feel it now. I want to know that he is with me and watching the kids grow, or listening to Isla ask where do babies come from?  (yes that was asked this weekend)  I think this is the beginning of my grieving.  I haven't been able to grieve, or even sit with the sadness until now. Even now I have to be careful not to show too much sadness in front of Isla.  She is very concerned, and has her own set of questions. (She asked if we could drive to heaven). So I push it down until I can sit in front of this lap top and begin writing.

I booked the trip to Vegas and Denver.  It will be the first trip without him. I know he would want me to go.

I guess the journey of what it means to be a widow will come more apparent as time continues. I am sure I will revisit this thought over and over.

Thanks for reading, and dealing with grammar mistakes.
K