2 weeks....

It's been a bizarre two weeks. Many emotions swirling inside and out, of my being. I really havent begun the true grieving process yet, too many distractions, or at least that's what my therapist says.  She said it would feel like Andrew was on a business trip for awhile until THAT while was too long.  Then I would begin to feel the deep sorrow and pain of the loss. She is way more experience with this kind of thing so I take her word for it and go about my days. But she's right so far, it just feels like one long business trip. I still feel like he's going to walk through the door any day now.  It doesn't seem final, not yet.

Andrew's oncologist sent me a letter today expressing his deepest condolences. He had also called me the day he passed to extend his condolences. I always liked to think that he enjoyed treating us because we were young not like the rest of his patience. Anyway in his letter he said that Andrew approached his illness with courage and dignity and that he it was a privileged to have know Andrew. The letter made me cry, as do most cards that arrive in mail. But it brought me back to the days we spent in the clinic, treatment after treatment hoping that this was just a chronic disease.  Something that he would live with for many years to come. We both begged for 10 years, that we could deal with this for 10 years. We got just under a year.

I'm crying as I write this, I don't get the chance to morn him durning the day.  The kids distract me from any kind of sadness.  Isla makes me laugh constantly, she is truly my best friend.  I love to hear her talk and see the world through her eyes.  She doesn't understand the finality of Andrew's death (neither do I) and asked to call him the other day. She said she missed him.  We were driving so I didn't have the ability to "lose it" so I had to explain that phones can't call heaven. But that we can talk to him without a phone and he will hear us. I don't think that made sense to her 3 3/4 years old mind, I didn't know what else to say.

The memorial is soon, and I look forward to all the familiar faces that will be gathered. It makes me so sad that we just had a gathering like this 5 years ago in St. Lucia. It does't feel right or fair to be doing this so soon after the wedding.

I am so thankful for all the love and support people have showed me thus far.  The sympathy cards continue to pour in and when I woke yesterday my driveway was shoveled. Human beings are wonderful creatures.