Happy Boxing Day
I thought I would give you all an update on the children. I've mostly write about my experiences and my perspective without really mentioning the kids. So here is a quick update on the kids.
Isla had a Frozen christmas, everything was Frozen, from crayons to sheets. She also got a Word girl costume that she is obsessed with and wouldn't take it off yesterday. But there was on thing Santa forgot and that was binoculars. She wanted ones just like Daddy's. We use them to watch for birds in the backyard. We also took them to Hawaii when we were out there two years. She had been asking for them for awhile and honestly I don't know why I didn't buy them. But the nice thing about a January birthday is I can right the wrongs on Christmas. I've already been on Amazon to find a pair of kid friendly binoculars.
She's handling this all very well, she speaks of Andrew often. All happy memories, I hope they never fade.
I was just interrupted by Isla because she is scared to be alone at the moment. This happened last night too. Grandad just came upstairs and I convinced him to read another story.
Graeme is wonderful, he's sitting up on his own. This is a recent development, just last week he was unable to steady himself. I think he's quite proud of himself. He's also cut two bottom teeth. Ouch. He getting bigger and is starting to show movements that would suggest crawling. (Isla never bothered to crawl, she just got up and walked.) We will see if he follows in her foot steps or not.
He's still not sleeping more than 4 hours a night. It's pretty painful, but once the house is quiet and he is in his own room we will try to start sleep training. Fingers crossed.
Graeme absolutely adores Isla. He lights up the moment she walks in the room. She too loves to love on him so much that she shares her germs with him too. (She was the Typhoid Mary) I guess with the second child this is unavoidable.
Yesterday was extremely difficult. The day seemed to drag on and had no real holiday feel. I miss him more and more everyday.
Friday, December 26, 2014
Sunday, December 21, 2014
I picked the short straw.
I don't know what to write, I fear that I may be depressing. After all it is the holidays and I should be joyful. But for me (and so many others) they will never be the same again. I read a quote today on grieving and it said, "Holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays will be hard forever. They are forever tarnished in my mind and heart, but I put on a facade for the kids. I want to provide that idyllic idea of Christmas. Where everything is warm and fuzzy and shield them from the sorrow. My mother hated the holidays, I never understood why, I just thought she was a grinch. But now I understand, why they are so difficult for so many people who have lost a loved one.
One year ago to the day, Andrew and I were in the Emergency room at Winchester hospital. He was brought in the ER for severe stomach pains and waited in the hallway to be seen by a nurse. They did a CT scan to see if it was an appendicitis. We waiting for hours in the hallway for the results. I remember being so annoyed and frustrated that they would not give us a room even after I begged for hours. Andrew was in so much pain it was difficult to watch, and I was pregnant and paranoid about getting sick from the other patients. It was the height of cold season and I am a bit of a germaphob.
After waiting for forever they had the results, and finally wheeled us into a room. I was thankful, I thought they finally listened or cared about the pregnant lady and the sick man. But little did I know it was because they had to deliver the gut wrenching news of Andrews cancer. I can remember that day so vividly, like it happened yesterday.
I know I've said it so many times, but it still doesn't feel real that he's gone.
It's been an awful week. It started out in the doctor's office getting a cough examined. Isla had been hacking up a lung the day before and I wanted to make sure it was just a cough. It was a nasty head cold that is still lingering. She is on the mend, but keeps a box of tissues with her. :( And of course Graeme had the same cough, but his is about a day behind Isla's. So I've had several sleepless nights this week. It's so difficult to function without sleep.
This is when I know he's really gone. In the middle of the night when I am tending to Graeme and there is no one else to listen to me complain. Or share in the experience, it's just me. I can't say that Andrew would've been extremely helpful at 2am but just knowing someone else was there. Someone who had my back. That's when the pain is real, that when my heart hurts.
So it's been an especially painful week, the kids being sick and the reality of Andrew's death is slowly sinking in.
Thanks for reading.
Karla
One year ago to the day, Andrew and I were in the Emergency room at Winchester hospital. He was brought in the ER for severe stomach pains and waited in the hallway to be seen by a nurse. They did a CT scan to see if it was an appendicitis. We waiting for hours in the hallway for the results. I remember being so annoyed and frustrated that they would not give us a room even after I begged for hours. Andrew was in so much pain it was difficult to watch, and I was pregnant and paranoid about getting sick from the other patients. It was the height of cold season and I am a bit of a germaphob.
After waiting for forever they had the results, and finally wheeled us into a room. I was thankful, I thought they finally listened or cared about the pregnant lady and the sick man. But little did I know it was because they had to deliver the gut wrenching news of Andrews cancer. I can remember that day so vividly, like it happened yesterday.
I know I've said it so many times, but it still doesn't feel real that he's gone.
It's been an awful week. It started out in the doctor's office getting a cough examined. Isla had been hacking up a lung the day before and I wanted to make sure it was just a cough. It was a nasty head cold that is still lingering. She is on the mend, but keeps a box of tissues with her. :( And of course Graeme had the same cough, but his is about a day behind Isla's. So I've had several sleepless nights this week. It's so difficult to function without sleep.
This is when I know he's really gone. In the middle of the night when I am tending to Graeme and there is no one else to listen to me complain. Or share in the experience, it's just me. I can't say that Andrew would've been extremely helpful at 2am but just knowing someone else was there. Someone who had my back. That's when the pain is real, that when my heart hurts.
So it's been an especially painful week, the kids being sick and the reality of Andrew's death is slowly sinking in.
Thanks for reading.
Karla
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
Widow at 40.
I never expected to be a widow at 40. I don't really even know what it means to be a widow.What does a modern widow look like? The only think I can picture is a woman from the 1900's and is always dressed in black. For one I always wear black or a dark color. People would say it's because I'm from the North East. Or at least that's what people told me when I lived in San Diego. Okay so the black clothing thing is out. But what else does it mean? Lack of a wedding ring? I still wear my wedding rings, I still feel married.
This past weekend was so bittersweet. The ceremony was amazing, the speeches were so beautiful. And I was able to see and connect with so many loved ones it was amazing. It was also busy, and distracting. There were dinners, lunches and visits from friends, no time to think of anything.
The last of the lot left yesterday evening and now the house is really quiet. I've been sitting with the sadness more since Sunday. It washes over me more often, and I find myself wanting to connect with Andrew all the time.
Isla came into our room this morning and said there was a strong smell. I thought this was odd, but my mother too commented on this smell several mornings. I thought it was bizarre I couldn't smell anything, and I have a hyper sensitive nose. I want to believe this is Andrew present in the room. It only happens in the morning, so I fantasize that he is sleeping with me at night and leaves in the morning. I am looking for anything that makes me feel closer to him.
Graeme too was laying on the bed and started to giggle while I was out of the room. I could hear him and thought it was Isla making him laugh. But she wasn't in the room, no one was in the room. I'd like to think it was Andrew who was making Graeme laugh.
I have heard that as time goes on I will find myself "feeling" Andrew in unsuspecting ways. But I want to feel it now. I want to know that he is with me and watching the kids grow, or listening to Isla ask where do babies come from? (yes that was asked this weekend) I think this is the beginning of my grieving. I haven't been able to grieve, or even sit with the sadness until now. Even now I have to be careful not to show too much sadness in front of Isla. She is very concerned, and has her own set of questions. (She asked if we could drive to heaven). So I push it down until I can sit in front of this lap top and begin writing.
I booked the trip to Vegas and Denver. It will be the first trip without him. I know he would want me to go.
I guess the journey of what it means to be a widow will come more apparent as time continues. I am sure I will revisit this thought over and over.
Thanks for reading, and dealing with grammar mistakes.
K
This past weekend was so bittersweet. The ceremony was amazing, the speeches were so beautiful. And I was able to see and connect with so many loved ones it was amazing. It was also busy, and distracting. There were dinners, lunches and visits from friends, no time to think of anything.
The last of the lot left yesterday evening and now the house is really quiet. I've been sitting with the sadness more since Sunday. It washes over me more often, and I find myself wanting to connect with Andrew all the time.
Isla came into our room this morning and said there was a strong smell. I thought this was odd, but my mother too commented on this smell several mornings. I thought it was bizarre I couldn't smell anything, and I have a hyper sensitive nose. I want to believe this is Andrew present in the room. It only happens in the morning, so I fantasize that he is sleeping with me at night and leaves in the morning. I am looking for anything that makes me feel closer to him.
Graeme too was laying on the bed and started to giggle while I was out of the room. I could hear him and thought it was Isla making him laugh. But she wasn't in the room, no one was in the room. I'd like to think it was Andrew who was making Graeme laugh.
I have heard that as time goes on I will find myself "feeling" Andrew in unsuspecting ways. But I want to feel it now. I want to know that he is with me and watching the kids grow, or listening to Isla ask where do babies come from? (yes that was asked this weekend) I think this is the beginning of my grieving. I haven't been able to grieve, or even sit with the sadness until now. Even now I have to be careful not to show too much sadness in front of Isla. She is very concerned, and has her own set of questions. (She asked if we could drive to heaven). So I push it down until I can sit in front of this lap top and begin writing.
I booked the trip to Vegas and Denver. It will be the first trip without him. I know he would want me to go.
I guess the journey of what it means to be a widow will come more apparent as time continues. I am sure I will revisit this thought over and over.
Thanks for reading, and dealing with grammar mistakes.
K
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
This picture makes me laugh, Graeme never smiles in pictures!
Andrews death hits me when I am the most quiet.
Almost been a year since my last haircut. I finally pulled the trigger and arranged for my mom to sit with Graeme while I got a new do. It was a new place, a new girl and new conversations. It was early and honestly I didn't want to make small talk. I liked the quiet. But of course she apologized for not talking more and asked my plans were for the weekend. My stomach sank, it felt like someone had just punched me in the gut. I've been so busy this week trying to get an outfit, deal with paperwork and arrange dinner and house stuff to even think about it. But in the quietness of that question I thought about it and I felt it.
Not sure what to think or to expect from the weekend. I studied Buddhism in college and one teaching from the Buddha is to live without expectations. It's a very difficult to live this way, we all have expectations about everything. I can safely say that this is a first and I have no clue what to expect from this weekend.
One expectation that shocked me was planning a trip to Vegas. A good friend from college wants to meet sometime this spring to play with the kids and warm up. I told her I would research the flights and get back to her. When I started to check on flights my stomach sunk and I became anxious. I did not expect that at all. Many of you know me to hop on a plane at any given time to fly anywhere in the world without question. This was a new and bizarre feeling, I did not like one bit. I haven't ruled out the trip, I would like to see her and of course defrost from the Massachusetts winter. Andrew and I always said we would travel with kids, and I'd like to keep traveling. It just seems really lonely the idea of flying without him.
I look forward to seeing everyone this weekend. For those of who are traveling, god speed.
Thanks for reading through my bad grammar. :)
Karla
Friday, November 28, 2014
2 weeks....
It's been a bizarre two weeks. Many emotions swirling inside and out, of my being. I really havent begun the true grieving process yet, too many distractions, or at least that's what my therapist says. She said it would feel like Andrew was on a business trip for awhile until THAT while was too long. Then I would begin to feel the deep sorrow and pain of the loss. She is way more experience with this kind of thing so I take her word for it and go about my days. But she's right so far, it just feels like one long business trip. I still feel like he's going to walk through the door any day now. It doesn't seem final, not yet.
Andrew's oncologist sent me a letter today expressing his deepest condolences. He had also called me the day he passed to extend his condolences. I always liked to think that he enjoyed treating us because we were young not like the rest of his patience. Anyway in his letter he said that Andrew approached his illness with courage and dignity and that he it was a privileged to have know Andrew. The letter made me cry, as do most cards that arrive in mail. But it brought me back to the days we spent in the clinic, treatment after treatment hoping that this was just a chronic disease. Something that he would live with for many years to come. We both begged for 10 years, that we could deal with this for 10 years. We got just under a year.
I'm crying as I write this, I don't get the chance to morn him durning the day. The kids distract me from any kind of sadness. Isla makes me laugh constantly, she is truly my best friend. I love to hear her talk and see the world through her eyes. She doesn't understand the finality of Andrew's death (neither do I) and asked to call him the other day. She said she missed him. We were driving so I didn't have the ability to "lose it" so I had to explain that phones can't call heaven. But that we can talk to him without a phone and he will hear us. I don't think that made sense to her 3 3/4 years old mind, I didn't know what else to say.
The memorial is soon, and I look forward to all the familiar faces that will be gathered. It makes me so sad that we just had a gathering like this 5 years ago in St. Lucia. It does't feel right or fair to be doing this so soon after the wedding.
I am so thankful for all the love and support people have showed me thus far. The sympathy cards continue to pour in and when I woke yesterday my driveway was shoveled. Human beings are wonderful creatures.
Andrew's oncologist sent me a letter today expressing his deepest condolences. He had also called me the day he passed to extend his condolences. I always liked to think that he enjoyed treating us because we were young not like the rest of his patience. Anyway in his letter he said that Andrew approached his illness with courage and dignity and that he it was a privileged to have know Andrew. The letter made me cry, as do most cards that arrive in mail. But it brought me back to the days we spent in the clinic, treatment after treatment hoping that this was just a chronic disease. Something that he would live with for many years to come. We both begged for 10 years, that we could deal with this for 10 years. We got just under a year.
I'm crying as I write this, I don't get the chance to morn him durning the day. The kids distract me from any kind of sadness. Isla makes me laugh constantly, she is truly my best friend. I love to hear her talk and see the world through her eyes. She doesn't understand the finality of Andrew's death (neither do I) and asked to call him the other day. She said she missed him. We were driving so I didn't have the ability to "lose it" so I had to explain that phones can't call heaven. But that we can talk to him without a phone and he will hear us. I don't think that made sense to her 3 3/4 years old mind, I didn't know what else to say.
The memorial is soon, and I look forward to all the familiar faces that will be gathered. It makes me so sad that we just had a gathering like this 5 years ago in St. Lucia. It does't feel right or fair to be doing this so soon after the wedding.
I am so thankful for all the love and support people have showed me thus far. The sympathy cards continue to pour in and when I woke yesterday my driveway was shoveled. Human beings are wonderful creatures.
Thursday, November 20, 2014
Celebration details.
It's almost a week since Andrew passed. My heart is heavy.
I laid in bed last night listening to Isla giggle in her sleep. It makes me smile and wish I knew what made her giggle. Her little mind amazes me, (yes I am biased) but she thinks and remembers so much. She will bring up random memories from past trips, memories I forgot about.
I see so much of Andrew in her. She asked me earlier that day when we would be taking another plane ride. I know she is getting antsy, like her Daddy to take a trip. I told her I didn't know, but it made my stomach turn. This would be a conversation Andrew and I would have and discuss some crazy plan to spend the week in St. Croix or someplace exotic where no one else went. Somewhere off the beaten path. But now the burden is all mine, and I think what would Andrew want to do?
Before he passed we had a long discussion about how we really balance each other, and how I would miss this so much. And I was nervous about flying off the handle. He told me when I am spinning emotionally to think to myself and say, "What would Andrew do?" I chuckled, it broke the sadness. But I now find myself thinking this over and over and over each day. Especially when planning his life celebration.
Here are the details of the event. It takes place at the Marriott located in Patriots Place, very fitting for a sports fan.
Below you will find the reservation links your guests can use to make online reservations. Please remember to remind them that parking is complimentary Self or Valet depending on what is going on at Patriot Place and although the Website indicates that Parking may have a $50 fee, All of your guests will Not be responsible for such charge.
If you have questions or need help with the links, please do not hesitate to ask. We appreciate your business and look forward to a successful event. At this time, your guests may call 508-543-5500 and reference theCelebration of Andrew Cuthill’s Life Room Block to make their reservations at the group rate of $159. The attendees may also book directly online by using the link below:
**Please note that if your guests are looking to book their reservations online, if they attempt to make their reservation to check in prior to 12/4/14 or if they choose to stay beyond 12/7/14 the system will respond that there are no rooms available, so if they make you aware of it, please let me know and I can see if we can get them into the hotel with their desired check in /check out dates.
Celebration Of Andrew Cuthill's Life
Start date: 12/4/14
End date: 12/7/14
Last day to book by: 11/24/14
Marriott hotel(s) offering your special group rate:
· Renaissance Boston Patriot Place Hotel for 159 USD per night
Just a reminder, the cutoff date for your block is 11/24/14 Please advise your guests to make their reservations prior to this date.
Renaissance Boston Patriot Place Hotel for $159.00-USD per night
Sunday, November 16, 2014
We've finally come to a decision on Andrew's memorial. It will be held at the Renaissance Marriott at Patriot's place in Foxboro from 2-4pm on December 6th. We've held about 30 rooms for out of town guests at a reduced rate, just mention Cuthill memorial. Here is the link to the hotel.
http://www.marriott.com/hotels/travel/bospp-renaissance-boston-patriot-place-hotel/
I would a quick RSVP to get an idea of how many people are coming. Also if you have any question or concerns, you can email me. Also if you are posting pictures of Andrew on Facebook, could you tag me or Jamie in the pics? That would be helpful, there are so many beautiful pictures out there we'd love to see.
Karlacuthill@gmail.com
Thanks,
Karla
http://www.marriott.com/hotels/travel/bospp-renaissance-boston-patriot-place-hotel/
I would a quick RSVP to get an idea of how many people are coming. Also if you have any question or concerns, you can email me. Also if you are posting pictures of Andrew on Facebook, could you tag me or Jamie in the pics? That would be helpful, there are so many beautiful pictures out there we'd love to see.
Karlacuthill@gmail.com
Thanks,
Karla
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