It has been forever since my last blog post.  I'm not sure I will be able to sum it all up before my hands cramp. :)

So much has transpired since March 6th, we've been to Denver twice and Las Vegas once.  Our Au Pair has decided to leave us, and we have listed the house in Walpole. Well isn't that funny, I just summed up our past two months in two sentences. Okay I will elaborate.


On March 25th, we left Boston (both kids mildly sick) and flew to Denver for two weeks.  We split the vacation and flew to Las Vegas to met up with a college roommate and her family.  The actual flight from Boston to Denver was great. Isla is a seasoned flyer and Graeme is earning his wings. No issues to report. However the night before we left I had an emotional breakdown. I was sitting on the bed crying, panicking about the flights and feeling lost without Andrew. At that moment Jenny called.  Normally I wouldn't have picked up the phone, but something told me to answer.  I was so glad I did.  She listened to me cry, and put a plan into action. Instead of renting a car, she would come and pick us up at the Airport. To quote Pam, "Jenny is an angel on earth," I feel so blessed to have her as a friend.

Okay so the flight was fine, the pick up was great, and the kids were still sick. And they were getting worse. We were in Denver for 4 days before leaving for Vegas and the day before we left, I took the kids to the Urgent Care.  Doctor said they were nasty colds, but nothing that wouldn't heal on its own.

Lets fast forward a week and two emergency room visits later, both kiddos had double ear infections. Nightmare.

Vegas was filled with sleepless nights, crying kids and lots of sunshine.  The weather was amazing and I did actually get some color. The company was great, nothing like old friends, who know you better than yourself. :)

That sums up the Vegas/Denver trip.

But something happened on that trip, I felt the urge to move back to Denver. As soon as I landed, I felt like I was home. I felt Andrew's presence more than I do here in Mass and it just felt right. I've spent most of my adult life on Pacific or Mountain time and it just feels like where I need to be.  (Andrew and I had talked about moving back to Denver once he stopped traveling and the kids started grade school.)

This leads us to the house that we just bought in July here in Walpole to be listed on the MLS May 7th.  I called our realtor from Denver and explained that I wanted to be near friends.  My support network is out there and I just felt like I was in warm happy place. This wasn't and isn't an easy decision. Boston is a great place to raise kids, and a great place to live. It would be a whole lot easier if I was living in a small po dunk town with bad schools and a high crime rate.  However, if the house doesn't sell then we wont be moving anywhere.

This choice started a domino effect. Amarilis who has been our au pair for the past year and signed on for another year, decided she didn't want to move to Denver. This was after she agreed to move with us, but what  I did not know, but she was dating a man for the past 5 months. They met on the common in Boston, and fell in love.  He proposed and now she is getting married. We will miss her dearly, she really helped me get through one of the toughest times in my life.

Lets just keep adding things to my plate. Bring it on!

I've interviewed Au Pairs for the past week and no one has really impressed me until tonight!!
Yes we have matched with a new Au Pair from Mexico.  She is adorable and I got that "feeling" that she would be a perfect fit. Fingers crossed!

Okay I'm off to bed just wanted to update everyone.

Dana Farber.....

March 6th almost a month since I lasted posted.

Winter feels like it's going to be here forever.  It's still snowing and often, but we are now experiencing the problems associated with over a 100 inches of snow.  We've had ice dams all along our gutters and they are reeking havoc on the house.  Water has begun to leak in the house, in the kitchen and bedrooms. The way I understand it is there is a thick layer of ice in the gutters, and when the snow behind it melts it cannot drain off the roof property.  The water pools behind it and penetrates the roof.  Apparently there is only 4 feet of weather proofing on the roof underneath the shingles, which much of the ice dam covers. We've had to hire men to come and shovel off our roof and put stockings filled with ice melt in the dams to create passages for the water.  The shoveling helped, but there is still plenty of damage in the house.  Spring thaw, (if it ever comes) should bring another round of issues.  Still love love my house and realize anywhere I go there will be issues. But, yes, I am questioning why I live in Massachusetts at the moment. :)

The kids are doing great, Isla is settling into preschool well. She has a few friends and she loves them all, her words not mine. She makes arts and crafts for them constantly.  Super cute.  Graeme is beginning to sleep more through out the night. Still not an 8 hour stretch, but it's getting better.  Usually only one wake up in the night now. Baby steps, literally.  He is trying to walk and it's super cute, he's obsessed with being on his two feet.

We also had Andrew's best friends Pam and Scott up for a visit two weekends ago.  It was so so wonderful to have them here.  Not only because they are such lovely people, ( and Pam the expert seamstress made me beautiful curtains) but they allowed me to grieve in a way that was very healing. I felt comfortable crying and talking about my feelings.  I am thankful for that, it's been a difficult road, but knowing you have good friends to cry with helps tremendously.

Yesterday I went to Dana Farber which was horrible.  It was the first time I'd been there since Andrew passed.  I had to pick up some paperwork on the genetics aspect of his cancer. The expierence was tramatic to say the least.
First the drive in to Boston, I knew it like the back of my hand.  I pretended to use GPS but honestly I think I could've done the drive blindfolded. We were there every two weeks and more often towards the end. I think part of me wanted to forget the way.

Then when we arrived, and I was treated like a patient. They tried to bill my insurance, give me the dreaded wrist bands and electronic tracker.  (I've kept one of Andrew's wrist bands, just because I know it has a part of him on it)  This was difficult but mostly angered me.  Dana Farber is such a machine in how they process people, that they couldn't figure out how to deal with me.  I was literally meeting with the genetic department and picking up paper work.  After several times up and down the elevators back and forth to registration, they finally figured it out and I was ready for my appointment. But they did give me the wrist band and tracker...I held it and didn't put it on my wrist.

I then  headed up to the 9th floor but stopped off at the 7th the floor ( this is the GI cancer floor) to see the nurses and staff.  Immediately I saw "our" nurse Heather and just began to cry, we both did. I hugged her so tightly excited to see her but the emotions were so powerful. I saw everyone I wanted to see talked, cried and showed off the kids. It was so incredibly difficult to be there, almost like I was waiting to see Andrew come around the corner.

I also connected with our social worker who is wonderful.  I always laughed  thinking about her because Andrew disliked talking to her from day one.  He would cross his arms the minute she walked in and not share anything with her. I of course would share and talk to her about what was going on. I think she wore him down, because we later had some really good sessions with her. She also called him out on his behavior which broke down some walls.  But she has worked at Dana Farber for 20 some odd years.  So she has pull at the place, and when she saw how they were treating me yesterday she went into action. They tried to take my vitals when I checked in for the genetics appointment. She pointed out the flaws in the system to the important people and made sure she would work on fixing it.

We then met with our genetics counselor gathered paperwork and got some more information.  They suggested I get tested for some of the genes they found in Andrew's DNA.  The idea behind it was if I too carried the genes the kids would need to be tested earlier than later on in life. So they sent me down to the lab to get blood work.  This is where I couldn't hold it together anymore. I had never been back in the lab area, it was for patients only, I usually sat and waited for him. But when they called my name and took me back there, I couldn't stop crying. A flood of emotions washed over me and all I could think about was the pain Andrew went through, all the suffering. The nurse was kind and asked if I needed more time.  Really?  No thanks, take the blood and let me get outta here. But I just felt him so much there, his spirit and his suffering.  My heart is still breaking, I guess it will never truly recover from the loss.

I have to say that yesterday, as difficult as it was, served a purpose.  It allowed me to grieve that much more, acknowledge the pain and sadness I feel everyday.  I'm so busy with the kids, dealing with school, play dates and lack of sleep, sometimes I don't think about the sadness or pain.  And I thank the children for keeping me present and not wallowing in my sorrow.  But yesterday really brought it home for me, made me honor all those feelings.  I really haven't stopped crying since yesterday and hope that one step back means one step forward.

Thanks for reading.
K

It's been a long time since I've last written. I'm not a huge writer and it's difficult for me to be eloquent and precise with my words. And following Andrew's post is difficult since he was such a great writer. Anyway so here I am and it's the beginning of February and I thought I would update everyone on what's been going on here in the Cuthill house.

First, Isla started preschool three times a week. It's a community preschool just  3 miles from the house and it's great.  The class is small 12 kids and her teachers are warm, nurturing and very sweet. She counts the sleeps on Thursday till Tuesday when she is back at school.  I've met some of the moms from her class who do things together like story hour and various activities in the surrounding towns.  They invited me last week to tag along to a Science workshop and Isla had a blast.  This has been huge for me because I instantly felt more connected and grounded to where we are and really like the energy of the other moms.

 This has also established a routine for us, again bringing more normalcy to our lives.

Graeme is growing quickly, he's trying to walk which amazes me.  Isla walked early but she was such a peanut, I thought since Graeme is bigger it would take him longer to get up. Apparently not, and he spends much of his day cruising around the furniture and using his push walker.  He still isn't sleeping through the night. Only sleeping 4 hour stretches, which is brutal at times.  His teeth are also coming in so that may have something to do with the lack of sleep.

We've had a TON of snow the past few weeks. The last snow total I heard was over 40 inches in two weeks.  And we are under another storm warning till Tuesday, another 18 inches.  I'm not sure where they will put all this snow. It's going to be an interesting mud season. The cold has been brutal too, single digits and negatives at night. I almost booked a trip to the Caribbean this week to just get out of the snow and into some sunshine, but I am afraid to leave the house in these conditions. Also I am terrified of this measles outbreak and Graeme won't be vaccinated till he's a year. So for now we will stay put and get ready for another round of visitors.

 It's been nice to have the house to ourselves, I've really enjoyed the quietness of just us. Especially on the weekends when Amarilis leaves for the day or an overnight. I do love the help not sure I would be as calm without her, but there is something so real and wonderful about it just being the kids and me. Yes sometimes it's stressful, but at the end of the day I know that I am capable of being alone.  Capable of handling what life handed me and not complaining or worrying or being overwhelmed. And I know there will be nights when the kids are sick and it feels really awful, but for now I'm enjoying this time.

I dreamt about Andrew only for the second time since he past. I'm not sure if it's because my sleep is so interrupted or that I'm not open enough. But it was such a bittersweet experience this time.  The dream was so real, he was with me and talking to me about some situations I've had on my mind. But then I woke up and he wasn't beside me, that's when the sadness hit me like a ton of bricks. I've spent the past few days more sad than normal, crying without warning. A wave of sadness comes over me and I find myself wishing for silly things.  Things like a movie partner, or giggling over what Isla just said or watching Graeme get so frustrated over his inability to walk.  I miss him terribly and long for his touch.

I've also not be able to stop listing to Crowded House.  As many of you already know Andrew was obsessed with Neil Finn and Crowded House.  I was a fan before I met Andrew, it was something we initially shared on our ipod playlists. ( I think he was impressed I ran to "Take the weather with you") But I would never put them on without Andrew around, I would chose U2 or something else over Crowed House.  But lately, well since he died, I can't listen to anything else.  My poor children, I think they are a bit sick of it, but I can't help it. It somehow makes me feel closer to him.

Okay well thank for reading again, wish us luck in this next snow storm!
Karla

Happy Boxing Day

I thought I would give you all an update on the children.  I've mostly write about my experiences and my perspective without really mentioning the kids. So here is a quick update on the kids.

Isla had a Frozen christmas, everything was Frozen, from crayons to sheets.  She also got a Word girl costume that she is obsessed with and wouldn't take it off yesterday. But there was on thing Santa forgot and that was binoculars.  She wanted ones just like Daddy's.  We use them to watch for birds in the backyard. We also took them to Hawaii when we were out there two years.  She had been asking for them for awhile and honestly I don't know why I didn't buy them.  But the nice thing about a January birthday is I can right the wrongs on Christmas. I've already been on Amazon to find a pair of kid friendly binoculars.

She's handling this all very well, she speaks of Andrew often.  All happy memories, I hope they never fade.

I was just interrupted by Isla because she is scared to be alone at the moment. This happened last night too. Grandad just came upstairs and I convinced him to read another story.

Graeme is wonderful, he's sitting up on his own.  This is a recent development, just last week he was unable to steady himself. I think he's quite proud of himself.  He's also cut two bottom teeth. Ouch.  He getting bigger and is starting to show movements that would suggest crawling. (Isla never bothered to crawl, she just got up and walked.) We will see if he follows in her foot steps or not.
He's still not sleeping more than 4 hours a night. It's pretty painful, but once the house is quiet and he is in his own room we will try to start sleep training. Fingers crossed.

Graeme absolutely adores Isla. He lights up the moment she walks in the room. She too loves to love on him so much that she shares her germs with him too.  (She was the Typhoid Mary) I guess with the second child this is unavoidable.

Yesterday was extremely difficult.  The day seemed to drag on and had no real holiday feel.  I miss him more and more everyday.

I picked the short straw.

I don't know what to write, I fear that I may be depressing.  After all it is the holidays and I should be joyful. But  for me (and so many others) they will never be the same again. I read a quote today on grieving and  it said, "Holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays will be hard forever. They are forever tarnished in my mind and heart, but I put on a facade for the kids. I want to provide that idyllic idea of Christmas.  Where everything is warm and fuzzy and shield them from the sorrow.  My mother hated the holidays, I never understood why, I just thought she was a grinch.  But now I understand, why they are so difficult for so many people who have lost a loved one.

One year ago to the day, Andrew and I were in the Emergency room at Winchester hospital.  He was brought in the ER for severe stomach pains and waited in the hallway to be seen by a nurse.  They did a CT scan to see if it was an appendicitis.  We waiting for hours in the hallway for the results.  I remember being so annoyed and frustrated that they would not give us a room even after I begged for hours. Andrew was in so much pain it was difficult to watch, and  I was pregnant and paranoid about getting sick from the other patients. It was the height of cold season and I am a bit of a germaphob.
After waiting for forever they had the results, and finally wheeled us into a room.  I was thankful, I thought they finally listened or cared about the pregnant lady and the sick man. But little did I know it was because they had to deliver the gut wrenching news of Andrews cancer. I can remember that day so vividly, like it happened yesterday.

I know I've said it so many times, but it still doesn't feel real that he's gone.

It's been an awful week.  It started out in the doctor's office getting a cough examined.  Isla had been hacking up a lung the day before and I wanted to make sure it was just a cough. It was a nasty head cold that is still lingering. She is on the mend, but keeps a box of tissues with her. :( And of course Graeme had the same cough, but his is about a day behind Isla's.  So I've had several sleepless nights this week. It's so difficult to function without sleep.

This is when I know he's really gone.  In the middle of the night when I am tending to Graeme and there is no one else to listen to me complain.  Or share in the experience, it's just me.  I can't say that Andrew would've been extremely helpful at 2am but just knowing someone else was there.  Someone who had my back. That's when the pain is real, that when my heart hurts.

So it's been an especially painful week, the kids being sick and the reality of Andrew's death is slowly sinking in.

Thanks for reading.
Karla

Widow at 40.

I never expected to be a widow at 40.  I don't really even know what it means to be a widow.What does a modern widow look like? The only think I can picture is a woman from the 1900's and is always dressed in black. For one I always wear black or a dark color.  People would say it's because I'm from the North East. Or at least that's what people told me when I lived in San Diego.  Okay so the black clothing thing is out. But what else does it mean?  Lack of a wedding ring? I still wear my wedding rings, I still feel married.

This past weekend was so bittersweet. The ceremony was amazing, the speeches were so beautiful. And I was able to see and connect with so many loved ones it was amazing. It was also busy, and distracting.  There were dinners, lunches and visits from friends, no time to think of anything.

The last of the lot left yesterday evening and now the house is really quiet. I've been sitting with the sadness more since Sunday. It washes over me more often, and I find myself wanting to connect with Andrew all the time.

 Isla came into our room this morning and said there was a strong smell. I thought this was odd, but my mother too commented on this smell several mornings. I thought it was bizarre I couldn't smell anything, and I have a hyper sensitive nose.  I want to believe this is Andrew present in the room. It only happens in the morning, so I fantasize that he is sleeping with me at night and leaves in the morning. I am looking for anything that makes me feel closer to him.

 Graeme too was laying on the bed and started to giggle while I was out of the room.  I could hear him and thought it was Isla making him laugh.  But she wasn't in the room, no one was in the room. I'd like to think it was Andrew who was making Graeme laugh.

I have heard that as time goes on I will find myself "feeling" Andrew in unsuspecting ways. But I want to feel it now. I want to know that he is with me and watching the kids grow, or listening to Isla ask where do babies come from?  (yes that was asked this weekend)  I think this is the beginning of my grieving.  I haven't been able to grieve, or even sit with the sadness until now. Even now I have to be careful not to show too much sadness in front of Isla.  She is very concerned, and has her own set of questions. (She asked if we could drive to heaven). So I push it down until I can sit in front of this lap top and begin writing.

I booked the trip to Vegas and Denver.  It will be the first trip without him. I know he would want me to go.

I guess the journey of what it means to be a widow will come more apparent as time continues. I am sure I will revisit this thought over and over.

Thanks for reading, and dealing with grammar mistakes.
K

This picture makes me laugh, Graeme never smiles in pictures!


Andrews death hits me when I am the most quiet.

Almost been a year since my last haircut. I finally pulled the trigger and arranged for my mom to sit with Graeme while I got a new do. It was a new place, a new girl and new conversations. It was early and honestly I didn't want to make small talk.  I liked the quiet. But of course she apologized for not talking more and asked my plans were for the weekend.  My stomach sank, it felt like someone had just punched me in the gut.  I've been so busy this week trying to get an outfit, deal with paperwork and arrange dinner and house stuff to even think about it.  But in the quietness of that question I thought about it and I felt it.

Not sure what to think or to expect from the weekend. I studied Buddhism in college and one teaching from the Buddha is to live without expectations. It's a very difficult to live this way, we all have expectations about everything. I can safely say that this is a first and  I have no clue what to expect from this weekend.

One expectation that shocked me was planning a trip to Vegas. A good friend from college wants to meet sometime this spring to play with the kids and warm up. I told her I would research the flights and get back to her.  When I started to check on flights my stomach sunk and I became anxious. I did not expect that at all. Many of you know me to hop on a plane at any given time to fly anywhere in the world without question. This was a new and  bizarre feeling, I did not like one bit. I haven't ruled out the trip, I would like to see her and of course defrost from the Massachusetts winter. Andrew and I always said we would travel with kids, and I'd like to keep traveling. It just seems really lonely the idea of flying without him.

I look forward to seeing everyone this weekend.  For those of who are traveling, god speed.
Thanks for reading through my bad grammar. :)
Karla